Asking for forgiveness

How many times this year did you do something that requires asking for forgiveness?
 
This question has been on my mind as we approach the holiest day of the Jewish calendar, Yom Kippur.  It is a day of reflection and repentance, a day when Jews of all affiliations take a moment to survey their actions of the past year and pray to be inscribed in the Book of Life for yet another year. It is a day of fasting and fastidiousness, starting with the Kol Nidre (translated: “all vows”) service and usually ending with a smorgasbord of bagels and cream cheese at the breaking of the fast.
 
As much as it is possible for any one day to help you reflect on who you are and what you do, Yom Kippur does it really well.  It is a day when it is hard not to be confronted with a sense of the consequences of your actions (or inactions), and a day to realize that perhaps your mental list of regrets is a bit uncomfortable. I know that for me, it is a daylong look into the long truthful mirror of our lives.
 
But most of all, I find that the days leading up to Yom Kippur are actually the most uplifting and, dare I say, optimistic. Because when I stop and think about my transgressions, it gives me an important opportunity to make them right, to ask for forgiveness, and to make amends.
 
Without question, over the past year, I have made mistakes and I have done things that I regret. I have misjudged, and I have held harsh thoughts. I have lost patience with some friends, and I have lost touch with others. I have been slow to respond to emails at times, and fast to judge at other times. Sometimes I was short on empathy, and other times I was overflowing with pride.  I regret those actions, and if any of you encountered me in those moments (or as a result of those moments), I apologize and ask for your forgiveness.
 
I have also made mistakes that impact my broader world.  There are moments when I could have been a better ally to those in need, both in my local community and around the world. There are times when my sense of righteousness overcame my sense of humility. And there are times when I let my own fears cloud my empathy for the fears of others. Oh, and regrettably, I used too many single-use plastics too.
 
All of those actions and inactions, I regret. And I especially regret how they impacted others.
 
Lastly, I regret the actions I took that, in many ways, hurt myself. I didn’t always treat my body kindly (by eating poorly or sleeping sparingly). I muddled through my fears and insecurities without seeing my champions around me. And I stumbled often because I was too proud to grasp a helping hand. It sounds funny to apologize to yourself, but it is the season for that too.
 
So what makes this all optimistic?
 
Well, the good news is that if you spend a bit of time reflecting on your shortcomings with brutal honesty, you don’t necessarily end up in a dark place. Actually, if you open your eyes (and your heart), you usually see a lighted roadmap of renewal and regeneration. Seeking forgiveness from others is a true act of humility and regret, but it is also a powerful reminder of your own agency and truth. When you acknowledge what you do wrong, you can remind yourself how to do better.
 
There is no right way or wrong way to express regret and request forgiveness, and it is never too late to reflect on how to do better.  A pessimist might say that what is done is done. But an optimist says it's not too late to turn the page, or even better – start a new book.
 
I wish all of you who celebrate the holiday a very meaningful Yom Kippur.  And to everyone, may you be inscribed in the book of life and wellbeing, and may we all learn to live, and grow, together in the year ahead.


 Questions for Reflection:

  • Are there specific actions (or inactions) that you took this year that might have been hurtful to others?  Have you asked them for forgiveness? If not, why not?

 

  • If you knew you never had another chance to say something to someone, would you still keep your silence? What would change your mind about speaking with them?

 

  • Is there something that you do on a daily basis that negatively impacts the world around you (or even yourself)? What would it take to change that habit?

 

  • Which five people would you like to see inscribed in the book of life for the coming year? Have you told them that? 

Seth Cohen